Contemplations of a disturbed mind

Well..nearly two years since my last post..and in those 2 years..ive graduated, become a chemical engineer, got a high paying job and fell in love with a man who is totally absolutely inappropriate for me...hmm...looking back it seems to have been an intersting two years..
Why blog now? Because Im going through a phase in my life, which I feel alienates me from everyone else. I dont have anybody in my life presently who i feel will understand me now..I need some clarity regarding my life..about what to do..
On July 6, 2009, I joined the refinery that im presently working at. It was a fresh start for me..I was getting over a bad relationship..and it felt great to be independent-financially, emotionally and physically. And since I was still reeling from my last tussle with love, I was guarded..And then it happened..!
He was a sweetheart from the start. I was shocked at myself when I found myself having a teeny weeny crush on him...he was exactly the sort of guy I should NOT have fallen for..he was the class topper whereas I always preferred class 'droppers', he was the cute guy whereas I used drooled at macho dudes, He was from one part of the country, and me from the exactly opposite corner to his. And worst of all, he was Hindu and I was a Christian. Trust me, I know I shouldn't have...but it happened.
I had never met a guy who could look at me at my ugliest and tell me with full conviction that i was the most beautiful girl he had ever met..and working in a refinery..u have to give credit to the guy that he maintained his stance even when i wore a helmet, sweated like a pig, had pimples all over my face due to being out in the sun and looked like a grease monkey. I had never met someone who valued me so much. I had never met someone who loved me more than I him. So, when I met him, I dint wanna let go.


To be continued....

...A little about Love...

" I have found almost everything written ever about love to be true. I suppose I think of love more than anyone really should. Shakespeare said, 'Journeys end in lovers' meeting'...What an extraordinary thought!! Personally, Ive never experienced anything remotely close to that. It was Shakespeare who also said, 'Love is blind.' Now that, is something, I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicably, love fades. For others, love is simply lost. Then again, love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love, the cruelest kind, the one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. "

I probably sound like a relationship expert. Let me clear that by stating that this is not my own work. The above piece is the opening dialogue of one of my favourite movies of all time - The Holiday - starring Kate Winslet, one of the best and most versatile actresses Hollywood has ever seen and the stunning Cameron Diaz. May i remind u that this is not a movie review either. No matter what anybody else says, I love 'chick flicks' like these, where there is always a damsel in distress, rescued by a knight in shining armour, they fall deeply n madly in love and they live happily ever after.

Happily ever after - Thats where the superimposition of real and reel life come to a jarring halt. Is there ever a thing called 'happily ever after' in real love? The pain of unrequited love- that is something that no amount of literary creativity can capture. It can ache in places that you never knew you had inside of you. It doesnt matter how many haircuts you get or how many new gyms you join, you still go to bed every night thinking about him, going over every minute detail, wondering how you can atleast make him aware of your existence, which worships the very ground he walks on. I know I sound pathetic, but its true. That is the curse of a woman who is doomed to love a man who does not or will not love her back.

Of course, the most logical solution would be to dump the creep and move on, and I envy those strong females who follow that sensible route. The rest of us, however, go through the deepest and darkest times of our lives, where we become mere shadows of our original happy selves, with new year's eve and valentine's day brought in by tears and truckloads of chocolate icecream. Its utter misery, I tell you. You feel like your soul has been ripped out of you - that you'll never be whole again till he holds you in his arms and assures you that he's here to stay. And most of the time, we keep holding onto those faintest bits of happy memories with him, not wanting to let go, hoping one day he might change his mind and show up at your doorstep.

That is why, I guess, women are women. We have been cursed with an extra large heart to harbour feelings of love.(and hate,mind you.) We have patience that can be tested for an entire century before he decides to be yours and you still wont mind. And the pain that we go through is testimony to the fact that women have the power to bear anything.

A walk down memory lane

I have always prided myself in being a 'city-girl', even though the place where i lived could hardly be a metro. My mother, on the other hand, was raised in what i would call, a jungle. I mean, there was no cable T.V. for crying out loud. Inspite of the total lack of civilization, I was obliged to spend most of my holidays there along with my mother and grandparents. My grandparents must have understood how i felt, because they tried to make up for it in their little ways. A day before i reached,my grandfather would make sure there was a pretty little swing on the mango tree. My grandmother would outdo herself and whip up delicacies that used to transport me into seventh heaven.(which i also believe transport me now to the gym!) Being an only child,these were my only 2 occupations-have a nice lil swing and then come back and eat. My grandparents lived all alone on a hill....and most of the hill belonged to us. It was planted with rubber. The rest of the inhabitants on the hill were our workers. I was too young to understand the effort that my grandfather had put into getting it 'plantable'. According to my grandmother,years ago,it was actually a jungle with lions and wild boars. Then, my grandfather came, and like Alexander the Great - he came, he saw and he conquered. I used to walk through the estate with my grandfather,stumbling along the vines, getting stung by bugs,losing my slippers in a brook and having to walk back barefoot-it was not really what i would call a pleasant experience. And what i hated the most about the place was the sounds at night -it was nothing short of terrifying for me. Owls hooting, hearing crickets...i found it extremely scary...i was not used to that sort-of thing. When my mother and i used to board the train back home,i would heave a sigh of relief...I always used to tell my mother - "When I inherit the estate from you, Im going to sell it and go on a foreign trip." She never tried to tackle me in any way. Probably, she was upset about hearing how her daughter did not like her childhood home.

Its been nearly 15 years since then. Right now, im a final year engineering student. I just got my first job,which made me realize how much time has passed and how much ive grown. My grandfather had passed away and my grandmother no longer stayed in that house by the estate. It was by chance that i got to go to my estate again.

Everything had changed. It was all overgrown with weeds. I guess the rubber trees could hardly breathe. The road was rocky and unattended to. I could not even make out the house from afar like i could when i came for my vacations. It was so overgrown and it was nothing like i had remembered it to be. Time had taken a toll on it. As i walked through the estate, recollecting old memories, some of the workers who used to work for my grandfather came upto me. Inspite of their age, they were still as agile as mountain goats and came bounding up the hill to talk to me. Every single one of them remembered me. And when i told them that the estate had fallen into bad repair, their faces fell. Just then,i realized how much this piece of land meant to everyone. For my grandfather,it was his masterpiece. Like a sculptor, he had crafted the entire land. To my mother, it was her childhood. She grew up there and became the person that she was. To the workers, it was their baby. They knew every nook and corner and tended to it like it was their own. Right that moment, it hit me that it meant a lot to me too...the fact that this treasure was handed down three generations to me was ethralling. I would never be able to sell it like i had foretold. I made up my mind then that i would look after it to the best of my capabilities.

In today's busy world, most of us forget our background, or purposely try to do so. But then, we shouldnt. Because it is a part of us. It is what makes us what we are today. So,we should embrace it, for you will find that it makes us stronger.